Someone once told me that I was a coulrophobic. If by coulrophobic you mean instantly wetting myself and spastically flailing my arms while fleeing the opposite direction of the scary painted-permahappy-faced people, then yes, I agree, perhaps youre on to something.

Clowns are mofos, I promise. They are evil and scary, and though  I am saddled with the burden of proof as the accuser, in your hearts, you know the clowns are evil too. Think about it, there's something about the fact that painting a permahappy on your face breaks down one of the greatest human defense systems.  We protect ourselves by reading into the expressions on faces.  You don't know what the mofo in the permahappy is gonna do, you can't see his eyes start to twitch with murderous anxiety, or his mouth squirm in homicidal ponderance.  If his smile takes on a "Here'sJohnnyredrumredrumyippekiayeaxechopchopbloodfleshmurderdeathkill" quality, it is hidden by the grotesque and macabre red smear where a normal mouth would be.

Indulge me here. The obfuscation of facial interpretation reminds me of the horror that would come with being suddenly rendered blind by a freak accident and running for your life, without first learning to use your other senses. They hoot and tumble and smile haunted, twitching psychopathic pedophilic cannibalistic murderous inflammatory smiles, beneath their painted smiles. Let's face it, clowns aren't funny. There's nothing funny about twisting tubes of rubber into the shapes of animals. They can be popped and destroyed so easily...just like all the small animals that the clowns start out killing. Children play into their torturous fantasies!!!! Have a puppy! SQUEEZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!! Watch the happy pink rubber puppy explode into a million rubber pieces ha ha!

They have flowers on their chest, they invite you to smell, They're filled with water, or perhaps disappearing ink... NOW but that poor cute fluffy bunny happy pigtailed little girl they met on the way here? Well HER sniffyfakeplasticflower was filled with acid. And the clowns just laugh and laugh.....

Listen to me! Coulrophobics and clown haters unite!!!! They plan to take over the world, to plasticize every face into a parody of real human joy and pain. They want murder to be like riding a unicycle...happy fun for all the people with good reflexes...the rest well...you get the flower to your face, baby, and the pie to the back of the head, topped off with a butcher knife to the back. Better start working on that hand eye coordination...assimilate, or be killed by clowns...with mullets....